Guided meditation

This week I realized that January has almost passed me by and I haven't tried getting and staying centered as much as I should have. I panicked, I Googled, I Page Ranked my results.
My search was fruitful: did you know that one can download guided mediation CDs? I guess I'm not the only person who has trouble getting (staying) centered. Turns out the meditation business is a profitable industry to get into: everybody is selling soothing voices and rhythmic beats at reasonable prices to help others reach Nirvana. Sweet.

Who knew I was one download away from Nirvana?

I settled on Guided Meditation: Revitalize Mind, Body and Spirit based on cover alone and eagerly waited for it to download. It took forever.

I imported it into iTunes, I lit a (serenity) candle, and I pressed play.

A deep voice welcomed me to the serenity I was about to find and congratulated me on taking my first step towards mental revitalization.  I was told to sit with my back straight in an upright position; apparently no one finds bliss while laying in bed.

I was also informed that, due to the nature of this recording, stereo headphones needed to be used.

My guard was immediately up.

What are you going to tell me that you don't want anyone to overhear, Kelly? Don't try to subliminally message me, either. I've seen Inception. I know what's up.

I took a deep breath, plugged headphones into my iPod, and restarted track one. I had already heard the first part (about the headphones) so I fast forwarded a few minutes. I seriously misjudged how long the deep voice actually spoke, because when I pressed play again I was lost.

I restarted my guided mediation for the third time. Time passed. I closed my eyes and felt calm wash over me.  I let Kelly's voice ease me into the quiet.

Then I heard the dog whimper. I ignored it. The whimpering turned to whining.

Don't let the pig fool you; she does not want me to find Nirvana.
I opened one eye so she wouldn't notice me giving her attention and told her to shut it. Another minute passed and the whining evolved into a chair bump. Lather, rinse, repeat.

"Mommy is trying to find serenity right now, Precious. I will play with you after I'm centered."

Belly Rub!

I finally met her belly rub quota for the hour and relaxed back into Kelly's voice. I focused on the task at hand: I was supposed to feel how smooth the stone was. I can do that! Meditation is a snap!

That is one smooth stone! Check out how smooth this is, Kelly! Life is a garden, dig it.

Then I heard the voices.

I don't mean like 'the voices were speaking to me', I mean the horribly over-dubbed voice recording that was pasted onto the track.

It told me that I am confident, I am successful. Those are nice things to hear and all, but it would mean much more not coming from a creepy voice. I warned you about subliminal messages, Kelly! I told you not to mess with this!

I did finish the first track but I don't think guided mediation is for me. I laughed too much to really get peaceful. I was willing to follow her inside a mountain of light to ask a stone questions about my future, but I draw a line at creepers up in my headphones.

I'm a skeptic at heart, Kelly. You never had a chance.

I'm hoping my next foray into enlightenment is more successful.

If you are interested in listening to forest raindrops, click here.